Though my decision to stay at home is primarily based upon my
faith and the principles that I desire to example to my children (and husband)
it is not without saying that I don't have other desires or talents aside from mothering.
Long before children I was pursuing other interests, such as music, that
occupied my time and filled my daydreams. I play numerous instruments. In high
school I played violin and harp in the orchestra and I also played piano and
took voice lessons. This carried on through college where I performed in
orchestras and choirs and traveled in and out of the country for performances.
I assumed a part-time job as a private violin teacher for young students while
working a desk job to make income. I played with several bands here and there, sang for charity events, did studio recordings for different artists.
Upon getting married I moved to a new state
and took a full-time desk job for two years before becoming pregnant with our
first son. I have since only played violin for a handful of weddings and
concerts here and there, and at times having to turn down opportunities because
I was too pregnant or too tired to practice and perform.
"Far from depriving me of thought, motherhood gave me new and startling things to think about and the motivation to do the hard work of thinking (p.15)." Jane Smiley, Can Mothers Think?
In Can Mothers Think? author Jane Smiley writes about the friction she experienced as a female writer and as a mother. She has a passion and a talent for writing which in a way is a part of her identity. She writes,
"If we look at Virginia Woolf and Vanessa Bell, it is the one who lived without sexual intimacy and without children who can't stop talking. Novels, essays, journals, letters- we are avid for everything she has to say. But the one who lived a passionate, sexual, child-bearing and maternal life is, as far as the literary culture is concerned, dumb (p. 9)."
I can relate as a musician. For writers, they are always thinking about what to write next, or jotting down ideas. Writing never leaves them. There is never a moment where something magical or something even mundane couldn't make for great literature. Writing encompasses their life; it is around them in the air, in other people, in the home, out of the home...it is a language. Music is much the same way because it is widely referred to as the "universal language". For a musician, we constantly think about our art. It is a part of who we are, a part of what makes us tick. I've known drum players who are always tapping their feet to an imaginary beat, or rapping their fingers on the steering wheel while sitting at a red light. The beat comes from within and it can't help but seep out of their pores.
Smiley hints at the issue that many stay-at-home mothers find to be a crisis; the crisis of identity. Can a mother be anything but a mother? Can a mother have aspirations and goals outside of the home? Are the demands of children too burdensome to allow for artistic or professional freedom?
An excerpt from Moyra Davey's Mother Reader reads,
"The meaning of work, and the need to learn to insistently be an artist in the midst of family is what I am now always trying to understand, and after each moment of understanding to painstakingly, always with great attention to detail, structure my time (p.111)."
I have not abandoned my artistic dreams or goals. In fact, I hope to improve with age. This will require some of my time away from my children. But not all of my time. It is time management to the Nth degree. There is more of an emphasis on what I can do rather than what I cannot. But, it comes with a lack of personal space and free time. No more quiet mornings with a cup of coffee and a book, no more leisure television surfing, no more going to the bathroom in privacy, no more drying wet hair with a hairdryer and a brush. Suddenly the small sacrifices come in to view.
Adrienne Rich knew this all too well in her struggle as a writer and a mother. Her identity was always wrapped up in her ability prior to children. Suddenly, the children and their necessary demands overshadowed her identity and caused her to feel remorse and anger at times for the person who withered away in light of her motherhood. While not all mothers experience this because they do not necessarily have a strong aspiration to something other than motherhood, I can attest that I have found myself sometimes saddened or angered by the lack of time to devote to music. Rich writes,
"Unexamined assumptions: First, that a "natural" mother is a person without further identity, one who can find her chief gratification in being all day with small children, living at a pace tuned to theirs; that the isolation of mothers and children together in the home must be taken for granted; that maternal love is, and should be, quite literally selfless; that children and mothers are the "causes" of each others' suffering (p. 23)."
My children have become my new devotion. Music was a prior devotion. A devotion cannot be half-hearted. The maternal selfless love does indeed require devotion. From a faith-based perspective I can attest that there are seasons, including motherhood, working and other endeavors, that demand our devotion. The following blog entry by Jen Wilkin, a noted Christian author
and mother, helps to shed light on the Christian-based value placed on the
stay-at-home mom. Her perspective after 17 years at home has been influenced
through the lens of her faith, a perspective that also influences my own. Her
desire, though, to support stay-at-home moms does not discount her support of
working Christian mothers either. In opposition of the ever popular Christian
perspective that a woman's place ought to be in the home (and nothing more), she shares
her experiences in debunking the undervalued Christian working mother:
The Proverbs 31 woman does not shy away from her passions or devotion to work either. She is a woman who buys and sells, she is in real estate purchasing land, she buys and makes clothes for her children, she oversees the affairs of her household. She is a virtual hero to all those in her home by way of example. Her identity is not in one endeavor alone; it is a conglomeration of many throughout different seasons, each one with a whole-hearted devotion:
"She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earning she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet."
-Proverbs 31:13-21
My identity is not in what I chose to do, it is in who I am. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a sister, a daughter, a musician, an artist, a teacher...I am a glorious creation made to reflect the Creator whose devotion to us is unending work.
